The way that I reacted when my first-born clubbed my sleeping newborn with a wooden maraca, hammered yet another nail into the coffin of the mother I thought I would be. Having a baby was a humbling experience for someone who thought they were a home birthing, co-sleeping, gentle parent, and found out that they were, in fact, a c-section, sleep training, shout-at-you-when-you-hurt-the-baby parent instead.
It was four years ago that I was pregnant with my first baby, and gentle parenting was all the rage; validating children’s emotions, avoiding punitive punishments, empathy and understanding… sounds dreamy, I thought, I’m in. I daydreamed about scenarios in which I would be at the playground, crouched down surrounded by toddlers, gently coaching them through playground squabbles. I imagined their little faces gazing up at me, receptive to my gentle wisdom, as their parents watched on quietly talking amongst themselves, impressed by my gentle parenting prowess.
And then I became a parent. I learned almost immediately that gentle parenting a child with a predisposition for choosing violence was not going to be easy. What really made it sting was seeing friends and other mothers in the playground execute gentle parenting with ease and to great effect, whilst I—having failed to put out the tantrum by validating his big feelings—manhandled my screaming child into the pushchair, hissing don’t-you-dare’s and desperate screen-time related threats through gritted teeth. So along with my screaming child, into the pushchair I flung the humiliation of my gentle parenting failure, the shop-bought pouch of baby food and the planet-killing disposable nappies and left the playground with my head hung in shame.
That I couldn’t be the gentle parent I so desperately wanted to be was crushing, and it wasn’t just because I didn’t get a ‘gentle child’, it was also because of my own character and emotional skillset, which was something that I somehow, blindly, hadn’t considered. The cornerstone of gentle parenting is emotional regulation, and whilst the script is to teach children how to regulate their emotions, the onus is on the parent to model the skill. This is problematic for millennial parents who were raised by boomers at a time when ‘everyone fed, no-one dead’ was the benchmark of acceptable parenting and ‘emotional regulation’ was not on the syllabus. It’s not enough anymore simply to love your children and keep everyone alive.
Modern parenting wisdom demands that we must teach empathy and kindness, cooperation and collaboration, inclusivity and diversity, sustainability, critical thinking, respectful communication and above all, emotional intelligence. We must prioritize the mental health and holistic development of our children at all costs, to our own needs, our time, our finances, and our sanity. And after all of that, should our children have any developmental or behavioural issues whatsoever, it is most definitely our parenting and not the child that is at fault.
Fast forward a few years though, and the disciples of gentle parenting look less sure of themselves than before. Previously gentle children now sometimes seem anxious and entitled having been parented a little too gently, and their parents talk more about ‘boundaries’ with nervous laughter, than ‘validation’ with confidence. And it’s not just the children who are starting to exhibit some less than desirable traits on the back of the gentle parenting era; we seem to have hit peak parent burnout. After years of endlessly negotiating with tiny tyrants and passively absorbing emotional mayhem, many gentle parents are completely burnt out. Expectations placed on today’s parents—particularly by models such as gentle parenting—are extreme, because parenting was already hard.
It’s a huge task to work full time, feed a family and meet the basic needs of young children day in, day out.
When we say boomers aimed for ‘everyone fed, no-one dead’ it sounds dismissive in terms of effort, but the truth is that even this most basic benchmark is a huge task; to work full time, feed a family and meet the basic needs of young children day in, day out, is exhausting. It is no wonder then, that modern parents are completely frazzled when trying to achieve everything that was expected of their own parents, plus match up to the scores of perfect parenting influencers on social media, who pedal new-age parenting models as though they are religions.
If gentle parenting was a rebellion against boomer parenting, then the newest trend of FAFO parenting seems to be the result of the fallout from gentle parenting. ‘Fuck around and find out’ is in vogue, perhaps surprising given that just a few years ago the parenting space would have been horrified at such a sentiment, but perhaps not. Having hit peak burnout, and with children who are now older and less pliable, OG gentle parents seeking to implement tougher boundaries and stronger leadership are turning to FAFO parenting in swathes.
‘Fuck around and find out’ sounds like it could be taken straight from the boomer phrase book, along with ‘I’ll give you something to cry about’, and other choice phrases that millennials attribute trauma to when speaking to their therapist. It’s a sharp contrast in tone to the ‘hands are not for hitting’, ‘it’s ok to feel big feelings’, gentle parenting doctrine. But the crux of FAFO is natural consequences: good behaviour equals positive outcomes; bad behaviour has less favourable consequences.
The irony is that properly executed gentle parenting is all about positive reinforcement, boundaries and natural consequences. However, I think a lot of parents—myself included—had confused ‘gentle’ with ‘permissive’, an easy mistake to make when the philosophy of gentle parenting is also that ‘there’s no such thing as naughty’.
I’m relieved that I’m no longer outcast to the shameful failed-gentle-parent fringes, but I do wonder how quick we should be to simply throw away gentle parenting. As tempting as it is to shout; ‘Hurrah! Thank God for that! Put your shoes on, eat your dinner and go to sleep, because I said so, or else!’ I’m not sure that the introduction of more direct consequences negates the need for some of the other tenets of gentle parenting, namely treating our children with kindness and respect, avoiding shame and blame, and of course, helping them to regulate their emotions.
But life isn’t black and white, and progressive doesn’t mean jumping from one trend to the next, it means building on experience and being open to changing your mind. So, for any defectors from the church of gentle parenting, welcome. Please continue to teach me how to regulate my emotions, and I’ll be right behind you, cheering you on when you say that first big fat ‘No.’
MumBum is a viral parenting content creator and writer. Creating her account in 2025 to anonymously share her parenting and budgeting woes while blocking her partner and friends list to maintain anonymity, she amassed a viral following of 220k tired and trialled parents, celebrities and brands. You can find her Instagram at @I_am_mum_bum.
This story first appeared on GRAZIA UK.
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